[this... this is not what nam soon could have ever really expected when heung soo makes a quiet all for his attention.
maybe there's a small part of him that's known a possibility like this was there. maybe there's even a small part of him that hoped the sentiment would be revisited at some point sooner rather than later. but here and now, when he's at his most vulnerable? it leaves his mind blank for a moment. it's definitely chaste, awkward, and a bit clumsy...
but it doesn't take much for that feeling to melt away. nam soon knows better than anyone else that skinship and affection aren't heung soo's forte. he was easily embarrassed and would push people away when it came to that, and it always seems to take extremes to pull even the simplest things from him. nam soon has never minded that, because the natural push-and-pull of their friendship (and nam soon's natural clingy ways) balanced it out. even after that day when they risked everything because of someone else's whims, nothing else happened. they spoke of not hating the action, but did little more than lean on each other a bit more than normal and try to find a comfortable way to exist while trying to make sense of things they'd never felt before.
so for heung soo to do this, for him to forego all of that to bridge a gap between them—nam soon knows that's extremely significant. it's small and chaste, and neither of them really knows what they're doing, but he can feels this. there's warmth and concern, there's understanding and even a silent "stop crying, because i'm here for you right now, you dumb bastard" laced within it. heung soo hardly ever needs words to communicate his feelings to nam soon; nam soon always understands the silences and subtle motions that come from him. there is a lot that's being said in these actions, and they're all things that nam soon understands as being only for him.
things are different now. there's still a lot of thoughts in his head, there are still worries for the future, and what will happen when they get back to seoul. he doesn't know if this will be fleeting. he doesn't know if these feelings will pass, or if heung soo will no longer need him in this way or as a friend once he's in university. he doesn't know what adulthood will really bring. but right now? right now, nam soon just want—no, needs—to embrace this wordless affirmation that heung soo's means of consoling are genuine. he can worry about those other things later.
that's why he allows for the state of shock to subside (he cannot and will not be a wide-eyed drama protagonist) and for the motion to be quietly embraced. they're both clumsy about these things when it's on their own terms, but nam soon's lips part just slightly enough to affirm that this is okay. his grip on heung soo's clothes grows ever tighter, but his shoulders begin to ease, and the tears cease, even if he's still sniffling to keep his nose from running.
a lot of his worries and the buildup of negative feelings that exploded in his relief begin to give way—only heung soo could bring out any of these aspects of him. it's embarrassing, and even just like this, his ears start to turn red. there aren't any regrets because there's nothing more reassuring to him than heung soo's silent declarations. nam soon feels weak and childish, but grateful all the same, which is why he's hard-pressed to let go anytime soon.]
no subject
maybe there's a small part of him that's known a possibility like this was there. maybe there's even a small part of him that hoped the sentiment would be revisited at some point sooner rather than later. but here and now, when he's at his most vulnerable? it leaves his mind blank for a moment. it's definitely chaste, awkward, and a bit clumsy...
but it doesn't take much for that feeling to melt away. nam soon knows better than anyone else that skinship and affection aren't heung soo's forte. he was easily embarrassed and would push people away when it came to that, and it always seems to take extremes to pull even the simplest things from him. nam soon has never minded that, because the natural push-and-pull of their friendship (and nam soon's natural clingy ways) balanced it out. even after that day when they risked everything because of someone else's whims, nothing else happened. they spoke of not hating the action, but did little more than lean on each other a bit more than normal and try to find a comfortable way to exist while trying to make sense of things they'd never felt before.
so for heung soo to do this, for him to forego all of that to bridge a gap between them—nam soon knows that's extremely significant. it's small and chaste, and neither of them really knows what they're doing, but he can feels this. there's warmth and concern, there's understanding and even a silent "stop crying, because i'm here for you right now, you dumb bastard" laced within it. heung soo hardly ever needs words to communicate his feelings to nam soon; nam soon always understands the silences and subtle motions that come from him. there is a lot that's being said in these actions, and they're all things that nam soon understands as being only for him.
things are different now. there's still a lot of thoughts in his head, there are still worries for the future, and what will happen when they get back to seoul. he doesn't know if this will be fleeting. he doesn't know if these feelings will pass, or if heung soo will no longer need him in this way or as a friend once he's in university. he doesn't know what adulthood will really bring. but right now? right now, nam soon just want—no, needs—to embrace this wordless affirmation that heung soo's means of consoling are genuine. he can worry about those other things later.
that's why he allows for the state of shock to subside (he cannot and will not be a wide-eyed drama protagonist) and for the motion to be quietly embraced. they're both clumsy about these things when it's on their own terms, but nam soon's lips part just slightly enough to affirm that this is okay. his grip on heung soo's clothes grows ever tighter, but his shoulders begin to ease, and the tears cease, even if he's still sniffling to keep his nose from running.
a lot of his worries and the buildup of negative feelings that exploded in his relief begin to give way—only heung soo could bring out any of these aspects of him. it's embarrassing, and even just like this, his ears start to turn red. there aren't any regrets because there's nothing more reassuring to him than heung soo's silent declarations. nam soon feels weak and childish, but grateful all the same, which is why he's hard-pressed to let go anytime soon.]