nam soon's silence is a bit more of the stunned variety than anything else at first. it comes down to the fact that it's some sort of admittance of feelings. it's hardly anything resembling a confession, or even an indication that something like that should even happen again. but stating he doesn't regret it?
nam soon understands well and good that there is a shared feeling there. that even though logically, it wasn't supposed to be the normal course of action for them, that it wasn't unenjoyable, either. his breath hitches when he thinks about it, because truth of the matter is that he didn't feel any regret for the action in itself, either. being close to heung soo, sharing their warmth, doing something that was exciting that was't outwardly destructive—it wasn't really that bad. what had been bad was waking up and remembering everything, waking up and not knowing how to face those simple truths.
the first being that they hadn't just shared some hilariously chaste kiss like you see on prime-time drama, and the second being that he had enjoyed it.
maybe the shock had been doubled by the fact that nam soon simply hadn't thought about doing that with anyone at all, let alone heung soo. that latent knowing that no girl he knew, no matter how cute, smart, or willing to put up with him as they may have been, he just wasn't interested. there had never been time to do anything but idly take a small interest in girls—his demons and ghosts from what happened between he and heung soo prevented him from getting close enough to even give a chance like that to develop. he didn't care about those things, he didn't care about idols or actresses, so it just never really occurred to him. nam soon had never realized that his entire existence was so consumed in heung soo that he could be shaken deeply to his core and driven to that sort of situation.
had whatever affected them been totally fabricated, or did it draw on some sort of latent desire or need that neither of them realizes? it's that sort of thing that's leaving nam soon at a loss right now. it's still awkward and strange to think about, but with the knowledge that heung soo isn't going to leave or throw away their friendship over it, and the fact he didn't hate it either... gives him room to consider more.]
Yeah. [that's all he says at first, a one word agreement to everything heung soo said. they got screwed with. it's awkward. he doesn't regret it.
it's his turn to step up to the plate now though, isn't it? he can't sit here and cry about it, and he can't run from it either. nam soon reminds himself of the persistence he maintained until they reconciled; how he used every opportunity to try and get heung soo back into his life until the only option to save his best friend was to transfer. that sort of dedication, that sort of feeling... it means something, doesn't it? and if he didn't back down then, he can't regress now. he can't be the dumb punk he was three years ago, who leaves the big messes in the hands of his best friend while he locks up his heart.
he still has a hard time looking heung soo in the eyes though, not as he tries to speak again. his expression is a little less tense, and maybe slightly less melancholic... but his eyes are darting around, looking for something else to focus on. the things he needs to say... it's all too embarrassing.] I don't either. Regret it, I mean.
[wait, but that's not all.] I guess I really can't throw a bastard like you away after all.
[not that he ever wanted to. but that's his confirmation, his way of saying that even when he tried to throw away their relationship, he couldn't... and that even though they've taken a step in a confusing direction, he still doesn't want to throw it away.
no subject
nam soon's silence is a bit more of the stunned variety than anything else at first. it comes down to the fact that it's some sort of admittance of feelings. it's hardly anything resembling a confession, or even an indication that something like that should even happen again. but stating he doesn't regret it?
nam soon understands well and good that there is a shared feeling there. that even though logically, it wasn't supposed to be the normal course of action for them, that it wasn't unenjoyable, either. his breath hitches when he thinks about it, because truth of the matter is that he didn't feel any regret for the action in itself, either. being close to heung soo, sharing their warmth, doing something that was exciting that was't outwardly destructive—it wasn't really that bad. what had been bad was waking up and remembering everything, waking up and not knowing how to face those simple truths.
the first being that they hadn't just shared some hilariously chaste kiss like you see on prime-time drama, and the second being that he had enjoyed it.
maybe the shock had been doubled by the fact that nam soon simply hadn't thought about doing that with anyone at all, let alone heung soo. that latent knowing that no girl he knew, no matter how cute, smart, or willing to put up with him as they may have been, he just wasn't interested. there had never been time to do anything but idly take a small interest in girls—his demons and ghosts from what happened between he and heung soo prevented him from getting close enough to even give a chance like that to develop. he didn't care about those things, he didn't care about idols or actresses, so it just never really occurred to him. nam soon had never realized that his entire existence was so consumed in heung soo that he could be shaken deeply to his core and driven to that sort of situation.
had whatever affected them been totally fabricated, or did it draw on some sort of latent desire or need that neither of them realizes? it's that sort of thing that's leaving nam soon at a loss right now. it's still awkward and strange to think about, but with the knowledge that heung soo isn't going to leave or throw away their friendship over it, and the fact he didn't hate it either... gives him room to consider more.]
Yeah. [that's all he says at first, a one word agreement to everything heung soo said. they got screwed with. it's awkward. he doesn't regret it.
it's his turn to step up to the plate now though, isn't it? he can't sit here and cry about it, and he can't run from it either. nam soon reminds himself of the persistence he maintained until they reconciled; how he used every opportunity to try and get heung soo back into his life until the only option to save his best friend was to transfer. that sort of dedication, that sort of feeling... it means something, doesn't it? and if he didn't back down then, he can't regress now. he can't be the dumb punk he was three years ago, who leaves the big messes in the hands of his best friend while he locks up his heart.
he still has a hard time looking heung soo in the eyes though, not as he tries to speak again. his expression is a little less tense, and maybe slightly less melancholic... but his eyes are darting around, looking for something else to focus on. the things he needs to say... it's all too embarrassing.] I don't either. Regret it, I mean.
[wait, but that's not all.] I guess I really can't throw a bastard like you away after all.
[not that he ever wanted to. but that's his confirmation, his way of saying that even when he tried to throw away their relationship, he couldn't... and that even though they've taken a step in a confusing direction, he still doesn't want to throw it away.
or even take a step backwards.]