go "phd in napping" nam soon (고남순) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
unpresidential) wrote2014-08-12 11:24 pm
unpresidential) wrote2014-08-12 11:24 pm
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Which is, admittantly, even harder than making Nam Soon stop avoiding and dodging things as a way of coping for once. If not just because he's still not sure about it either. It's nothing he thought about, nothing that crossed his mind - not with Nam Soon, but surely never really with girls or.. well, anything normal either, it just had never been a concern of his. But he also knows that he didn't dislike the feeling. How much of that was the effects of whatever had gotten into them and how much it were his own feelings.. he can't be sure about that.
.. he does know though that the message on the CereVice pissed him off. Even though it was just dumb spam. Because, after that, after everything in their friendship, the idea of Nam Soon doing that stuff with some girl..
It feels awkward, somehow. It annoys him, somehow. Isn't that how this conversation started to begin with? ]
.. like you said. This place screwed with our heads. [ It's an undeniable fact that something else was driving them, like some sort of haze. That's the easy part, it's just a fact. The hard part is admitting just how much may have been their own emotions - or rather, the hard part is realising just what part of it was more something coming from them personally. ] It's awkward.
But...
[ God, why is he the one who has to do this. It's not like either of them are good at it, but he's not the one who can be all embarrassing and write a poem saying he wants to eat ramen and then look all happy when the other writes the same?! He's just not good at admitting it first, so it doesn't come out easily when he has to figure out both a way to not make it sound too embarrassing and a way that makes sense with what he feels. As far as he can figure that out, anyway. ]
... I don't regret it. I guess.
[ It's hard to puzzle his feelings together, but he thinks that's right. Probably. He feels awkward looking back on it, since it's not supposed to be normal, since he never even imagined anything like that with Nam Soon, no matter how important the other is to him.
But he doesn't feel bad about it. He doesn't find himself thinking back on it and hating it or even disliking it. Being that close with Nam Soon, even if it was in a more extreme fashion than usually.. it wasn't too bad, even if it's awkward trying to come to terms with that fact. ]
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nam soon's silence is a bit more of the stunned variety than anything else at first. it comes down to the fact that it's some sort of admittance of feelings. it's hardly anything resembling a confession, or even an indication that something like that should even happen again. but stating he doesn't regret it?
nam soon understands well and good that there is a shared feeling there. that even though logically, it wasn't supposed to be the normal course of action for them, that it wasn't unenjoyable, either. his breath hitches when he thinks about it, because truth of the matter is that he didn't feel any regret for the action in itself, either. being close to heung soo, sharing their warmth, doing something that was exciting that was't outwardly destructive—it wasn't really that bad. what had been bad was waking up and remembering everything, waking up and not knowing how to face those simple truths.
the first being that they hadn't just shared some hilariously chaste kiss like you see on prime-time drama, and the second being that he had enjoyed it.
maybe the shock had been doubled by the fact that nam soon simply hadn't thought about doing that with anyone at all, let alone heung soo. that latent knowing that no girl he knew, no matter how cute, smart, or willing to put up with him as they may have been, he just wasn't interested. there had never been time to do anything but idly take a small interest in girls—his demons and ghosts from what happened between he and heung soo prevented him from getting close enough to even give a chance like that to develop. he didn't care about those things, he didn't care about idols or actresses, so it just never really occurred to him. nam soon had never realized that his entire existence was so consumed in heung soo that he could be shaken deeply to his core and driven to that sort of situation.
had whatever affected them been totally fabricated, or did it draw on some sort of latent desire or need that neither of them realizes? it's that sort of thing that's leaving nam soon at a loss right now. it's still awkward and strange to think about, but with the knowledge that heung soo isn't going to leave or throw away their friendship over it, and the fact he didn't hate it either... gives him room to consider more.]
Yeah. [that's all he says at first, a one word agreement to everything heung soo said. they got screwed with. it's awkward. he doesn't regret it.
it's his turn to step up to the plate now though, isn't it? he can't sit here and cry about it, and he can't run from it either. nam soon reminds himself of the persistence he maintained until they reconciled; how he used every opportunity to try and get heung soo back into his life until the only option to save his best friend was to transfer. that sort of dedication, that sort of feeling... it means something, doesn't it? and if he didn't back down then, he can't regress now. he can't be the dumb punk he was three years ago, who leaves the big messes in the hands of his best friend while he locks up his heart.
he still has a hard time looking heung soo in the eyes though, not as he tries to speak again. his expression is a little less tense, and maybe slightly less melancholic... but his eyes are darting around, looking for something else to focus on. the things he needs to say... it's all too embarrassing.] I don't either. Regret it, I mean.
[wait, but that's not all.] I guess I really can't throw a bastard like you away after all.
[not that he ever wanted to. but that's his confirmation, his way of saying that even when he tried to throw away their relationship, he couldn't... and that even though they've taken a step in a confusing direction, he still doesn't want to throw it away.
or even take a step backwards.]
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Heung Soo shifts just a little bit.
Nam Soon says he can't throw him away. It was a little bit obvious on a more general friendship level before - even when Heung Soo transferred and wanted nothing to do with this new Nam Soon who seemed nothing like his best friend, Nam Soon always persued him, bought him books, gave him lunch, did just about anything to try and reconcile things, no matter how many times Heung Soo rejected it or pushed back. Back then, he had been the one throwing it away. Although it had felt like Nam Soon was the first one to throw it away to begin with - three years ago, when he walked away from the hospital. When he wasn't in his house anymore by the time Heung Soo got discharged. It kept lingering in the back of his mind, and after they slowly did start reconciling.. well, it always stayed in the back of his mind. The fear that no matter how close they got once more, something like that could happen again. Nam Soon could walk away again.
And he almost did over this - not physically, but.. avoiding him like that, sleeping so much, being so quiet, it felt like it.
But when he's saying these words now, it's almost like the Nam Soon from back then is turning around and walking into the hospital after all.
The past can't be changed, but their present.. there's nothing that could put Heung Soo's heart at ease more than those words.
They both don't regret what happened, they don't want to stop being friends over it - and they don't even really want to lose what happened, on top of it. They feel the same, that's for sure now, so at least there's nothing to be scared about anymore.
Heung Soo picks up the CereVice he dropped on the ground earlier, turning it over in his hands, a small almost-smile appearing on his face at the sheer relief he's feeling. That's right, what did that stupid spam matter - Nam Soon was and is the most important person to him, and he's the most important person to Nam Soon. And if this is not going to change that, then nothing is. ]
Then stop being so worried.
[ Sure, they may not entirely know how to go from here yet, or how to deal with any of this.. but their worst fear about is has been taken away, so it's somethng they'll figure out as they go along. They've always been a lot better at that rather than pre-planning things or talking it out fully. ]
.. We'll figure it out. [ They have enough issues already, anyway.. not knowing how to deal with wanting to kiss your bastard best friend or how to go about doing so can just be something to slowly figure out too. Somehow. It's not like this is some sort of sappy kdrama love line. ]
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[which he knows in a case like that is heung soo being concerned in his own way. he still doesn't really even know what was worth getting so angry about it. in any case, it's hard for him to not deflect the conversation at least a little bit. he's embarrassed by their admissions.
when he said he was embarrassed about the way ji hoon apologized to young woo, he meant it. but that embarrassment pales in comparison to how nam soon feels right now. even if his cheeks remain that clear, pale sort of tint he always has, his ears are red enough to be compared to an apple or tomato. he doesn't have to see it to feel how hot they are. he's quick to turn his head for a moment, then use his hand to casually cover the other in the hopes that heung soo won't notice how red they are. he's probably the only person who would know that quirk of his.
...not that he isn't just drawing more attention to it this way, but still. with his head still half-turned, he looks to heung soo and finds himself smiling a little too. they may not know where this will lead them, and there was still so much to work out and sort through, but that's been the case for a while anything. it changes things some, but... he's not sure. nam soon isn't really sure what to call what it is he's feeling right now.
it's a bit of relief that things aren't going immediately in the shitter. it's amused, because heung soo is just as much of a dumb bastard as he is about things. it's embarrassed, because whatever just happened was definitely a conversation most guys they know would have with a girl (that's what happened in those dramas, isn't it?). it's glad, because he can see the tension heung soo had melting a way in light of things. he doesn't know what those mean, and he doesn't really know why it makes his heart beat a little faster. nam soon doesn't really want to share all that right now, though. he's a bit drained from the whole conversation, given that it wasn't one he wasn't expecting to have...
but all the same, he's awake now, and he can't just roll over and go back to sleep. well. he could probably, but he doesn't need to. it was his method of escaping dealing with what happened under the pulse's influence, of ignoring it, and now that his sleep has been broken to deal with it, there's not much need. plus, he'd probably just end up laying there thinking about heung soo. he really doesn't want to stray far, either... for some reason, he just wants to stay where he is.]
Yah... just put that stupid thing down and relax. [he makes a bit of a face, but there isn't much spirit in trying to seem annoyed by it.] Or tell me why that thing was such a problem.
[since he still doesn't get why spam was that much of a problem. and nam soon doesn't think the weight in the air was just because of that unresolved situation.]
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It's just annoying.
So Heung Soo frowns. It's not really angry, per se - if anything, he looks more like he just can't find worse whatsoever right now. But they've usually communicated better without them, so he just gives up when nothing comes to him after a moment or two. ]
I was just annoyed. [ That's the only way he can sum it up, since it's the only thing he knows to be a fact. He saw that spam, and he felt annoyed as hell - no lie about it.
He holds out the device with a "catch" sort of motion before really throwing it in Nam Soon's direction. He waits for a moment until the other catches it, but then continues.. mostly to distract everything from his own issue here, since if Nam Soon wants to properly catch it, he'll need to let go of his ears.
And Heung Soo does recognize the quirk - how could he not, after spending so much of his life by this bastard's side? ]
... Aigoo. [ Yeah, that's totally the sign that he sure saw that. At least now they both have equally embarrassing things going on here, even as Heung Soo's not moving from his sitting position against the wall. ]
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of course, this reveals how red his ears really are, and it's been quite a while since they've looked that way. it's not often he gets really embarrassed; nam soon is good at shrugging things off even in the worst situation. the only other recent times that could compare were masked by the cold weather (thankfully), but when being left with the choice of keeping that position or getting hit with a glorified smartphone...
well, it's pretty obvious what he picks. with the cerevice now in his possession, nam soon opens up the messages, going quiet as he looks it over. it's short lived as he tosses the device to the side, sighing.]
What kind of dumb bastard gets so annoyed about that kind of spam? Aigoo, it's like you've never gotten an email before or something. [he chides, because that's what he does.
leave it to these two idiots to go right back to acting as they always have despite the circumstances and the weird, embarrassing things they're still in the middle of trying to figure out.]
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[ It's not like he had.. friends... the whole 3 years they were separated, after all. Not even his soccer team mates, since he honestly just didn't want to have to do anything at all anymore with the sport.. at best the people who contacted him were only the school for messages related to that and his older sister.
(Not that it means he doesn't know what spam is, he's just trying to avoid answering that question he can't word an answer to like this. Sure, that really was like one of those spam emails advertising porn or dating sites, but.. aish.
Falling in their usual routine just feels a lot easier.) ]
At least I'm not the one here sitting with ears that look like it's freezing. [ YES, HE CAUGHT ON.. and he - of all people - knows very well what it means, so if he has to mask his own embarrassment with Nam Soon's, then he'll gladly do so as an escape. ]
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of course, it's pretty short-lived once heung soo calls out his red ears. that's a low blow and rude as hell! don't call him out on how embarrassed he is about this whole situation. so rather than a real verbal response, nam soon is muttering something incoherent under his breath before picking up a pillow and unceremoniously tossing it at heung soo's head.
bastard.]
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That's well worth a pillow to the head, and Heung Soo makes no real movement to try and dodge it anyway - instead he just laughs. A little bit, sure, but it's a real laugh. Whether it's out of sheer relief that they managed to get past this roadblock or because Nam Soon's embarrassment is so funny - who knows. But his chest feels strangely light with this weight lifted off it, and he's already picking up the pillow and actually getting up in order to be able to walk over to Nam Soon and twap him over the head with it as well.
It's not often that he gets the upper hand in teasing, okay, let him enjoy this moment of victory. At least he seems happy, that's already more than most of the usual expressions that can be found on his face.. ]
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after all that's happened, both today and in the last few days, he needs this more than anything else. and it's obvious that heung soo does too, because he's smiling now. he looks happy, and that makes nam soon feel nothing but relief. good... good, they could still be this way with each other, despite the things that keep standing in their way. nam soon can put up with a little embarrassment if it's for that cause.
which he will, because his ears only get more red when he realizes how much he enjoys seeing heung soo happy. his best friend has had a lot of hardships, and nam soon knows many of them were his fault, so it's hard not to feel this way when he can smile that way. yeah, his ears are red and he's ill-prepared for being hit with a pillow.
....which leads to flailing limbs at a reaction.] Yah!
[he already gets the victory of knowing how embarrassed nam soon is right now, does he have to rub it in with a pillow victory too? he's going to have to make a grab for the pillow to fight back, in that case.]
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Well, not like it matters. He had his momentary pillow victory here, okay, that's good enough for him to get the other to flail like that.
In fact, Heung Soo even lets go of the thing, as if he's trying to say-- ]
Aigoo, what's wrong? Did I find a weakness after all? [ -- hit him with your best shot, really.
Not like he doesn't know every single one of Nam Soon's weak spots anyway to begin with, but whatever.. this works just fine for teasing the other, and it shows very well from his expression that it's exactly what he's trying to do. It's not like he can do anything else with the strange light feeling that suddenly spread through him other than to channel his relief into something like this. ]
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[with things out in the open, as awkward as some of it is... well, it's a little easier to joke around about some things. like the fact that not only did nam soon known most of his weaknesses already, but now there's an extra upperhand that he's got.
...even if he's not really ready or willing to go that far yet. and even if heung soo could easily retaliate with the very same thing. ...this probably wasn't a very well-thought plan. leave it to nam soon to get flustered enough by heung soo to lose his head about that. there's only one other option here:
tsunami-swinging a pillow right at heung soo's head to distract him.]
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.. god, it's more embarrassing than anything, despite him having been honest about the fact that he doesn't regret any of it. He doesn't regret it, but that part is definitely hard to fully accept and hear this bastard tease him about yet..
So while he's distracted by his own embarrassment, he's hit square by the pillow, enough to even slightly knock him off balance and onto his ass. ]
Aish, this bastard..! [ DON'T TEASE HIM BY MAKING HIM THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH HE WANTED THAT STUFF, IT'S THE WORST.. he doesn't even dare to move to tackle Nam Soon to the ground since he already knows for sure what memories are going to surface then. So instead he just makes a motion like he's going to flick the other straight onto the forehead, only stopping and not actually doing it at the last moment. It's so obvious that he's embarrassed, it's written all over his face. ]
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really, it's a large part of why he'd been sleeping so much. not only was he avoiding dealing with the situation itself, but trying to shove aside every memory of them rolling on the floor, of limbs intertwined and exposed skin that longed for touches. they're all difficult for him to get out of his mind, especially when he was holding onto his fears of their friendships being broken. even now, as that imagery creeps back into his mind, he can feel his ears getting hot again.
but he's willing to ignore it, because he can plainly see that heung soo is embarrassed now too. consider that payback for taking advantage of nam soon's earlier.]
Aigoo, aigoo, aigoo.... someone's embarrassed. [they happen much more infrequently these days, but there are definitely times when nam soon's truly asshole side can come out to play. at least in this case, it's pretty harmless.]
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Because it doesn't even matter anymore that he can tell that Nam Soon is just as embarrassed because of how red his ears are - although seriously, is he really willing to shoot himself in the foot that much with all of this just for the sake of teasing him? - because Heung Soo is really beyond embarrassed right now. Being teased over other stuff is one thing, but this? This is something else entirely, especially when the thoughts of both of them rolling across the floor and desperately touching and kissing each other haven't left his mind yet at all. Or more importantly - everything beyond that. Or everything that almost went beyond that, that he can't file away as neatly (although calling it "neatly" would be a wild exaggeration) as the kissing.
So instead he just punches the other - or.. well, not entirely. He's punching the pillow that Nam Soon is holding, which should cushion most of the blow for his body, making it not all that bad in the end. And Heung Soo just drops himself to sit on the floor next to the other, a completely embarrassed frown on his face. ]
Anyone'd be embarrassed to do that sort of stuff with you, you punk. [ AS IF THAT'S REALLY THE PROBLEM HERE.. but if he can say this stuff out loud instead considering it's easier, then he will. ]
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[while heung soo punches at the pillow, he readjusts to hold it more like a shield. of course, he's really not trying all that hard to shield. even if heung soo punch at his hardest, nam soon wouldn't hold it against him—his teasing was a low blow.
he's still pretty embarrassed even as heung soo sits next to him... maybe even more so. but nam soon shakes his shoulders a few times like a little kid before bumping one of them into heung soo's. it's silly and childish, but a perfect showing of the fact that he's completely embarrassed by this topic of conversation. even if he's also kind of okay with it at the same time. it's going to take a while to settle into these feelings, to sort out what it does and doesn't change. nam soon's glad that he's not losing anything. there's only things to gain from it, even if he's not quite sure what that is yet.]
They would for you, too. [honestly, nobody would even be interested in these sorts of things with either of them. if only they knew that their own classmates had been passing notes saying they should date. they know. everyone knows. apparently, they were the last to know.] I guess I have to be stuck with an embarrassing bastard like you.
[you, who was the first to say that what they did wasn't bad. you, who calls it "that kind of stuff," which is more than nam soon can verbally admit right now. it's so much easier if they don't have to put this crap into words, really.
his ears are going ti be red forever, at this rate.]
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How am I the embarrassing bastard here? [ Excuse you, mister bumping into him like a five year old, mister who initiated the whole thing, mister who was--
No, he's not even going to think of that right now or he's only going to get more and more embarrassed. It's probably better to steer the topic away entirely before he just gets an embarrassing answer he never wanted to that question. ]
I think I liked you better when you were sleeping.
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[he pointedly doesn't point out how heung soo is embarrassing, mostly because then he'd have to bring up the specifically embarrassing points. it would only serve to keep this hideous cycle going, which... doesn't seem very wise.
instead, he smirks a little at heung soo, knowing his snappy response will probably piss the other guy off a bit. especially since he's going to use this time to stretch his arms out over his head before leaning back until he's laying flat.
this is the bastard you've chosen to spend your life with, heung soo.]
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Although it's never for long, honestly.. as much as the other is an embarrassing bastard who teases on purpose on top of it a lot of the time, it's not like he could ever really actively dislike or hate Nam Soon. The guy just has to whine a little bit in his direction or flash one of those smiles at him that at first were just really, really weird (when you're used to Tsunami, anyway) at first but then turned out strangely cute - and then Heung Soo already can't find it within his power anymore to actually be mad at the other.
Which is why he's - still slightly annoyed because he's so flustered - shoving Nam Soon to the side a little bit before he moves to lie flat on his back next to him.
Staring at the ceiling is a hell of a lot less embarrassing than staring at that smirk. ]
If you're not going to sleep, then I will. [ He's practically the personification of the "B(" emote at this point.. ]
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and can't be controlled because a certain jongsukkie can't control that shit]We could both sleep. [really, that seems like the best solution to him. even if nam soon feels less tired now than he has in days, he thinks napping now may actually be restful. forcing himself to sleep as a means of avoiding everything didn't mean he slept well at all.
he doesn't really know how heung soo's been sleeping either, since he's largely avoided even being in the same room. maybe he's not admitting it out loud, but that worries him too, just like any potentially harmful thing for heung soo does with him.]
Let's get ramen after that. [like, go out and eat ramen at a restaurant instead of making it themselves. it would be a good way to commemorate overcoming a hurdle that's affecting them both—and maybe his appetite is coming back to him now as the weight of their unsure circumstance melts away. nam soon already expects an exasperated response, but it doesn't stop him from turning on his side and looking at his friend with a cheesy grin.
like he does every time. nam soon's nothing if not predictable in situations like these; it's just one of the many ways that he never really grew up. it's playful and fun and childlike—and a side of him that only heung soo is ever allowed to see. if only others knew what an aegyo bastard he could be, right?]
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.. well, does he have to say it? It's embarrassing as hell, being faced with this aegyo bastard, and it flusters him for more reasons than one, although there's no way in hell he's going to admit that. Even if you'd break his other leg too.
So instead of properly answering, Heung Soo just stares for a long moment out of the corner of his eye to Nam Soon's puppy-like happy smile, lets out a long breath, and..
Then he rolls over onto his side, his back towards the other guy, his tone curt. ]
Sleep well.
[ Not like he means it badly, at least, he's just terrible at dealing with stuff like this, so his default reaction is to just shut it down right away.
Don't pull that aegyo out on him when they were so close to dick touching only a few days ago, god.]no subject
[it doesn't really need to be any more than that, really. nam soon knows that this is just how heung soo is, and how he deals with situations like this. everything is still so touch and go—even if they've largely solved the larger conflict at hand, there are still plenty of things to clear up.
those things can wait though, and nam soon doesn't take even the slightest offense to the way heung soo turns his back. if anything, it makes his smile shift to something softer and more endeared, more genuine than put on, more grownup than childlike. it's a lot easier to do that when nobody is looking. instead of turning on his side in either direction, he remains on his back, gaze fixed on the ceiling for a moment before he lets his eyes fall shut. yeah, he can definitely sleep a little easier this way.]
Sleep well, Heung Soo-yah.
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(Not that he was worried he really was too rude in his tsun for a moment - not at all, geez, why would anyone think that.)
But Nam Soon looks just fine, he looks happy.. so then it's all fine. Even if there's still some parts of this left to figure out that are too embarrassing to even talk about, it's fine like this. Even with what happened.. they're still them through it all.
And that's what is important.
He scoots just a little bit closer to the other, still lying on his side, before he closes his eyes to sleep as well. ]