just hearing it so bluntly is enough to make the heat rise into his ears, and there's a silence that weighs heavily in the air as nam soon processes those words. it's such a strange thing, the changes that have occurred in these last few months.
somehow, the tables had turned a bit. nam soon had taken the initiative so many times to do things—to find heung soo, so reconcile, to make sacrifices for his friend's sake. but somehow, pulled out the safety of seoul, it's heung soo that seems to have the upper hand. it does date back to when they were kids, where even if they were strong and assertive in their own right, heung soo always had a way with him that others didn't. even when he'd turned into an obstinate punk, heung soo was the one who could say all the right words to put him at ease... even if nam soon didn't necessarily like the outcome himself. but it's still strange to him, because when it's words like this, when it's actions like kisses... he doesn't know how to deal with it.
not that he doesn't like it. there is still a very strange and comforting stability that comes with it, but nam soon often just feels dumbfounded with how to respond. the feelings are so new, yet still so familiar and comfortable that it throws him for a loop. but more so than that, it's hearing those softer words of consolation coming from heung soo that completely put him off his game. they make his heart race, and it's just embarrassing.]
...You sound like you memorized a drama script. [he teases lightly as a means of trying to deflect those feelings. not that he doesn't accept heung soo's words, but he doesn't want to let his sheepishness about those things show any more than he knows they already do. maybe it's because nam soon just doesn't know how to deal with his own feelings, period.
when his mother died, he couldn't understand his feelings. he was sad but didn't cry. then he was so sad that he couldn't stop crying. then he shoved those feelings into a pit at the bottom of his stomach and acted like a zombie. the same thing happened after he broke heung soo's leg. the only feelings of positivity he's been able to process in those years came from goofing off, causing trouble, and hanging out with his best friend. but he doesn't really know how to cope with deeper feelings; how to love and be loved, having any sort of sense of self-worth. he's trying now. he's trying really hard as part of their recovery and reconciliation, but nam soon is still filled to the brim with insecurities. heung soo may be constant, steadfast in trying to ease them, but there's still so much left to try and understand, mostly about himself.
so that's why he deflects, and why he ruins a soft moment with words that anything but sentimental.
and he knows that.
he realizes that saying words like that, no matter how much heung soo may innately understand him, is probably too much, especially when he's trying to help. nam soon realizes he's a dumb bastard who is terrible at these things, and equally terrible at conveying the fact that he feels the same way. he may need heung soo's gestures a little more because he's a fool who constantly proves his own incapability on every level.
so he doesn't make eye contact with heung soo still, drawing in a quiet breath.]
It's embarrassing, you bastard. [his words a little softer now, or maybe just a little more assuring. heung soo's probably embarrassed too, and he knows that. but addressing that sentiment so directly is still probably something they both need more than they're willing to admit. still, it doesn't make him want to bury his head in the ground like an ostrich any less right now.
this is hard. why are emotions so hard? it was so much easier when they were two punks who ate snacks and read naruto all day long. and maybe just as easy when he was the one doing or saying the things that embarrassed heung soo instead.]
no subject
just hearing it so bluntly is enough to make the heat rise into his ears, and there's a silence that weighs heavily in the air as nam soon processes those words. it's such a strange thing, the changes that have occurred in these last few months.
somehow, the tables had turned a bit. nam soon had taken the initiative so many times to do things—to find heung soo, so reconcile, to make sacrifices for his friend's sake. but somehow, pulled out the safety of seoul, it's heung soo that seems to have the upper hand. it does date back to when they were kids, where even if they were strong and assertive in their own right, heung soo always had a way with him that others didn't. even when he'd turned into an obstinate punk, heung soo was the one who could say all the right words to put him at ease... even if nam soon didn't necessarily like the outcome himself. but it's still strange to him, because when it's words like this, when it's actions like kisses... he doesn't know how to deal with it.
not that he doesn't like it. there is still a very strange and comforting stability that comes with it, but nam soon often just feels dumbfounded with how to respond. the feelings are so new, yet still so familiar and comfortable that it throws him for a loop. but more so than that, it's hearing those softer words of consolation coming from heung soo that completely put him off his game. they make his heart race, and it's just embarrassing.]
...You sound like you memorized a drama script. [he teases lightly as a means of trying to deflect those feelings. not that he doesn't accept heung soo's words, but he doesn't want to let his sheepishness about those things show any more than he knows they already do. maybe it's because nam soon just doesn't know how to deal with his own feelings, period.
when his mother died, he couldn't understand his feelings. he was sad but didn't cry. then he was so sad that he couldn't stop crying. then he shoved those feelings into a pit at the bottom of his stomach and acted like a zombie. the same thing happened after he broke heung soo's leg. the only feelings of positivity he's been able to process in those years came from goofing off, causing trouble, and hanging out with his best friend. but he doesn't really know how to cope with deeper feelings; how to love and be loved, having any sort of sense of self-worth. he's trying now. he's trying really hard as part of their recovery and reconciliation, but nam soon is still filled to the brim with insecurities. heung soo may be constant, steadfast in trying to ease them, but there's still so much left to try and understand, mostly about himself.
so that's why he deflects, and why he ruins a soft moment with words that anything but sentimental.
and he knows that.
he realizes that saying words like that, no matter how much heung soo may innately understand him, is probably too much, especially when he's trying to help. nam soon realizes he's a dumb bastard who is terrible at these things, and equally terrible at conveying the fact that he feels the same way. he may need heung soo's gestures a little more because he's a fool who constantly proves his own incapability on every level.
so he doesn't make eye contact with heung soo still, drawing in a quiet breath.]
It's embarrassing, you bastard. [his words a little softer now, or maybe just a little more assuring. heung soo's probably embarrassed too, and he knows that. but addressing that sentiment so directly is still probably something they both need more than they're willing to admit. still, it doesn't make him want to bury his head in the ground like an ostrich any less right now.
this is hard. why are emotions so hard? it was so much easier when they were two punks who ate snacks and read naruto all day long. and maybe just as easy when he was the one doing or saying the things that embarrassed heung soo instead.]