go "phd in napping" nam soon (고남순) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
unpresidential) wrote2014-08-12 11:24 pm
unpresidential) wrote2014-08-12 11:24 pm
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just hearing it so bluntly is enough to make the heat rise into his ears, and there's a silence that weighs heavily in the air as nam soon processes those words. it's such a strange thing, the changes that have occurred in these last few months.
somehow, the tables had turned a bit. nam soon had taken the initiative so many times to do things—to find heung soo, so reconcile, to make sacrifices for his friend's sake. but somehow, pulled out the safety of seoul, it's heung soo that seems to have the upper hand. it does date back to when they were kids, where even if they were strong and assertive in their own right, heung soo always had a way with him that others didn't. even when he'd turned into an obstinate punk, heung soo was the one who could say all the right words to put him at ease... even if nam soon didn't necessarily like the outcome himself. but it's still strange to him, because when it's words like this, when it's actions like kisses... he doesn't know how to deal with it.
not that he doesn't like it. there is still a very strange and comforting stability that comes with it, but nam soon often just feels dumbfounded with how to respond. the feelings are so new, yet still so familiar and comfortable that it throws him for a loop. but more so than that, it's hearing those softer words of consolation coming from heung soo that completely put him off his game. they make his heart race, and it's just embarrassing.]
...You sound like you memorized a drama script. [he teases lightly as a means of trying to deflect those feelings. not that he doesn't accept heung soo's words, but he doesn't want to let his sheepishness about those things show any more than he knows they already do. maybe it's because nam soon just doesn't know how to deal with his own feelings, period.
when his mother died, he couldn't understand his feelings. he was sad but didn't cry. then he was so sad that he couldn't stop crying. then he shoved those feelings into a pit at the bottom of his stomach and acted like a zombie. the same thing happened after he broke heung soo's leg. the only feelings of positivity he's been able to process in those years came from goofing off, causing trouble, and hanging out with his best friend. but he doesn't really know how to cope with deeper feelings; how to love and be loved, having any sort of sense of self-worth. he's trying now. he's trying really hard as part of their recovery and reconciliation, but nam soon is still filled to the brim with insecurities. heung soo may be constant, steadfast in trying to ease them, but there's still so much left to try and understand, mostly about himself.
so that's why he deflects, and why he ruins a soft moment with words that anything but sentimental.
and he knows that.
he realizes that saying words like that, no matter how much heung soo may innately understand him, is probably too much, especially when he's trying to help. nam soon realizes he's a dumb bastard who is terrible at these things, and equally terrible at conveying the fact that he feels the same way. he may need heung soo's gestures a little more because he's a fool who constantly proves his own incapability on every level.
so he doesn't make eye contact with heung soo still, drawing in a quiet breath.]
It's embarrassing, you bastard. [his words a little softer now, or maybe just a little more assuring. heung soo's probably embarrassed too, and he knows that. but addressing that sentiment so directly is still probably something they both need more than they're willing to admit. still, it doesn't make him want to bury his head in the ground like an ostrich any less right now.
this is hard. why are emotions so hard? it was so much easier when they were two punks who ate snacks and read naruto all day long. and maybe just as easy when he was the one doing or saying the things that embarrassed heung soo instead.]
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Sure, he's a little better. He's never been as broken as Nam Soon, although his ability to socially blend in with other people has also greatly decreased after the incident. He's rough now, and blunt, and looks scary.. but at least he can understand things a little better. Maybe not exactly everything inbetween them, those feelings are entirely new, but.. he's at least a little better at keeping track of himself than his best friend. Even when he, too, thinks this is embarrassing as hell. It's embarrassing as hell, but what else do you expect him to say? Is he just supposed to sit there and watch the person most important to him sit there and beat himself up and not do anything about it? There's no way a motherhen, a true fusser like Heung Soo could do that.
He knows fully well that Nam Soon isn't as good at it though. So he understands where that reply comes from, and why it's so unfitting for what he said. In some ways it's probably easier to bear than if Nam Soon would have said something on the same level, but there's no doubt the deflection stings a little, even if he knows Nam Soon isn't saying that he doesn't feel the same.
It's probably why he shoves a little bit of the food into his mouth again, like the chewing gives him an excuse to think for a moment or two more before he finally properly answers after swallowing. ]
Maybe I wouldn't have to be that way if you didn't sound like a total female lead.
[ And in the end, of course the one true response is to use Nam Soon's own words against him.. he's still a little careful with his teasing since the other's breakdown was so heavy, so he feels the safest insult is probably the same thing that Nam Soon is insulting him with to begin with.
Even in these tiny things, he's still pretty toughtful, despite appearances.. but it's just the way Heung Soo is. Especially when it comes to the single most important bastard in his life, without a doubt. ]
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Yah. [he sucks in a breath through his teeth—teasing or not, that's still rude as hell! nam soon doesn't want to be the candy female lead (even though that's totally what he is since ha kyung got the shaft on that one).
not that he doesn't get it. nam soon knows that heung soo is playing along for his sake, that he teases and pushes those limits to make him feel better. and it works. sure, it's annoying that he winds up being the one getting teased, but all the same, it does distract him from the swath of negative feelings that swirl around him, and it eases the unsettled feelings of insecurity that stem from all of his issues. though even without that, just hearing heung soo talk, just hearing the familiarity of his voice is enough to bring comfort after dealing with that deaf-silence for days on end.]
Don't try to put me in that position just so you can be the male lead. You don't have one of those flower boy faces. [leave the kkotminam-ing to nam soon. even though he really wouldn't call himself a flower boy at all, but the meta says otherwise. either way? he's nudging his shoulder against heung soo—neither one of them would be very good for roles like that anyway, right? they're not suited for the narrow stereotypes that they show on tv anyway.
which of course is why reciting lines that sound like they came right out of script is almost comical and definitely unfitting. it's a lot better like this, when they're teasing each other and being subtle assholes with underlying affection to their words. it's natural, it's more like them to be that way, for all that they've done by being completely straightforward and open about things.
it's a little nicer this way, it brings a different sort of comfort that is easier to accept, somehow.]
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... Even if the thought of that feels really annoying, for some reason.
So he doesn't say that. Instead, after thoughtfully chewing for a moment and swallowing, he replies: ]
Then it's good that this is reality.
[ The reality where embarrassing things happen, yes.. but also the reality where he can be this comfortable with Nam Soon, where they can help each other after difficult times. Where they can actually go ahead and do stuff like kiss and even though the idea of it is weird as hell, in practice it feels way too nice to even consider giving up that easily.
It's the reality where they are together.. and he wouldn't switch it for any sappy overly embarrassing kdrama life. ]
.. now eat. You're going to let it get cold.
[ Totally not trying to deflect things a little before Nam Soon mentions that's very kdrama-worthy too, what he said before.. he even bumps his own shoulder against the other's in return now, although it's more meant as an encouragement. He feels a little tired, too - and surely Nam Soon must feel the same after what he's been through, after not sleeping at all. Maybe they can just pass out somewhere together after finishing the food. ]
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[he agrees warmly, because nam soon has no reason to argue it. for any joking that comes about the things they say on tv, they've already had enough drama of their own to last a lifetime. their reality is so different, and nam soon really doesn't want it any other way.
he just wants to be comfortable, with heung soo at his side. even without the strange and new evolution of their relationship, even without kisses woven between sporadic events, as long as this bastard is around, by his side and not resenting their past—well, that's all he really ever wants or needs. that's all nam soon ever really wanted from the day heung soo had become the only form of solid support in his life. nam soon had grown dependent on it, and those three years without it were enough torture that all he could even require now is the bare minimum to be kept from a despairing state.
nam soon is getting more than that. he's getting confirmation that this way of living is what they're going to keep doing—heung soo's tendency to mother hen and all. even if it's something he likes to tease about, nam soon is glad for it, because it's stable. and after everything else that happened, he really needs and wants this stability.
so when heung soo bumps his shoulder against nam soon, a smile (a slightly embarrassed one) creeps onto his lips as his head drops a little. it almost feels like a strange and natural instinct to fall back towards heung soo a little more after that, resting against his arm as he goes back to slurping up the noodles. they've swollen and lost some of their integrity from sitting in the broth, but it doesn't matter much to him like it might on a normal day. this... it's good, it's comfortable, and it's what he needs. nam soon probably will want to lay down and rest after they've finished up, since he hasn't slept either...
he'll probably be reluctant to do so without heung soo though, so it's good if they have the same idea in mind. right now, he just wants to stay as close to this bastard as is humanly possible.]
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They'll work it out again together, somehow.. even if it's by crawling into the same bed after they're done eating and being soothed by each other's warmth and company.
They've always been better at doing these sort of things without words, after all.
It's why Heung Soo doesn't say anything. He knows he doesn't have to. Even though he finished his food more quickly since he was eating a little bit more before, he just leaves the bowl and the chopsticks in his lap for the moment, not moving a single inch from where he's sitting.
Nam Soon is leaning against him, after all, and needs the contact...
.. and honestly, Heung Soo needs it as well. ]
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[he muses idly as he slurps up the last of them. it's kind of an unsatisfying end to that bowl of ramen—they've definitely done better in that regard. it's not like it's really important to him at all though; it's just an idle thing to say, to acknowledge before he moves his chopsticks for more kimchi, all the while never shifting from where he comfortably leans.
it's so oddly comfortable like this. just to say unimportant things and deflect putting the feelings into words while still taking solace in the fact that heung soo is someone that he can lean on this way. in some ways, it's still weird to think about despite how comfortable it is because it feels so... unlike himself. maybe nam soon became accustomed to his loneliness and self-deprecation, even though it was because he'd always relied on heung soo to pull him away from those things. now it's just a little more so, and a little differently, and definitely only in the privacy of their own living space.
nam soon doesn't want to move though. because weird as it may be in some ways, it's comfortable. it's reassuring. it's a solid reminder of heung soo's tangibility; they both need that a lot. but it's also just that it's cozy. even if in his younger years, before he lost the interest in maintaining relationships with anyone, he thought that he would be the one standing as the support, being leaned on, being "the man," or whatever it would be considered... he's fine like this. he's not suited for supporting anyone but his bastard of a best friend, and he's much more suited for sitting this way, accepting the support rather than giving it.
but really, isn't this giving it in some way too? nam soon's not sure... and thinking too much about it makes him kind of sleepy, because he's just totally clueless to how these things work. maybe that's what happens when you completely shut yourself off for three years and live as barely a person during those formative teenage years... who knows. nam soon sure as hell doesn't, but he's not even sure it matters anymore. not when they're like this.]
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Instead he just lets out a half-amused sound at it, shaking his head a little. For a moment Heung Soo just sit there, since.. well, he doesn't really want to move all that much. He's just fine sitting here, just soaking up this feeling, since it's pretty rare. Especially in a place like this, where it seems like every time they manage to settle just a little bit, everything gets thrown upside down all over again.
But he knows that sitting here means probably falling asleep here too. And while they're no strangers to just sleeping on the ground, he thinks their bodies need something a little better than that after this kind of situation.
So he slowly stands up (after making sure it means Nam Soon won't just fall over without the support), grabbing both of their bowls. ]
.. go to bed. [ He even motions a little with the bowls, as if to get him going. Nam Soon's body is still weak, but hopefully he can at least drag himself over there.. ] I'll come in a moment.
[ Since he has to dump these in the sink first, but that's the only thing he plans on doing for now. Honest. He doesn't want to leave Nam Soon alone just as much as the other doesn't want to be left alone. To a point where he's even openly sounding a little like a parent about it, yes. Look how he's embarrassing himself for your sake.. ]
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[nam soon agrees without much in the way of protest. even though it's so comfortable and he really doesn't want to move at all—well, it's okay. mostly, it's okay because he understands what heung soo is implying by that, and he also understands that heung soo isn't actually leaving.
being separated within the confines of their apartment for a few minutes is not anything to be concerned over. so even if nam soon wants to cling to his best friend, lean against him and just bask in the comfort of things being much more the way they should than anything else has been in the last few days.
so he shifts when heung soo does, even though he doesn't stand up immediately. he's quicker to respond verbally than to move, but that's mostly because he's just tired. having not slept in that time when he's normally the prince of hibernation is probably pretty telling. he couldn't turn the panic in brain off long enough to even do that much, so he stayed awake, and now... well, now that the adrenaline has worn and things are resolved, nam soon doesn't have much energy in him at all.
it's a bit of a struggle for him to push himself up off the floor, and his slippers make a loud shuffling noise against the floor as he drags his feet over them. he feels pretty tired and heavy at this point, now that he's calmed down and has food in him. it's good though, it's fine, nam soon thinks. because in a few minutes, heung soo will come into the room, and everything can be slept off. and once they're rested, they can start fresh and really try to put these last few horrendous days behind them.
so when he gets to the room, he flops on the bed and tiredly kicks his slippers away—he can't even be bothered to remove them properly and place them neatly next to the bed. maybe it's a habit he'll never get used to, after so long of just walking around in socks... maybe that's what bastards get for trying to live a little better than the poor kids they always were back home. either way, he's barely maintaining a state of consciousness while he waits for heung soo.
even though he knows that heung soo's not leaving, he still doesn't want to sleep until he knows that bastard is next to him; he needs at least that much assurance to rest easy.]
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So once he's left things behind in a way that he deems satisfactory enough for now, he's already heading over to the bedroom as well, slipping out of his shoes instead and leaving those in the living room (he didn't exactly have a mind to take them off when he ran in frantically to look for Nam Soon, and he doesn't feel like properly putting them away and making the other wait more now).
He doesn't say a word when he enters the room though. Instead he just moves over to the bed, slipping in besides Nam Soon like it's natural. Let's face it, it might as well be by now - despite not having shared beds before they got into this place, he's gotten fairly used to it by now.
.. it's nice, anyway. Even if he's not the one who needs it the most by now and he knows it.
It's exactly because Heung Soo knows this much that he doesn't just lie down and go to sleep. Nam Soon's already close enough, since it's a little cramped like this, but.. well, after all the shit that's happened, a little more can't hurt. It's a little more like what he did all those years ago, when Nam Soon was just as much of a small child that needed to be comforted than he is now.
It's embarrassing as hell, sure, but part of his brain already feels a little tired and doesn't care. And it's not like anyone is going to see anyway.
Whatever.
Heung Soo wraps his arms around his bastard, pulling him closer so Nam Soon can bury his head against him.
He doesn't say anything else - what is there that has to be said? His actions can do it all for him. That he's here, that he cares for Nam Soon, and that there's no way in hell he's going to leave again if he has a say in it at all.
So just sleep, you bastard - he'll be here. ]
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sharing a bed with heung soo never felt that weird to him to begin with—from the time they were kids, sleepovers usually meant sharing close quarters in their small homes, and even once they'd moved to seoul, how many times did they just sleep on the floor next to each other? always. nam soon rarely used his own room when heung soo was around. he always liked being near his best friend; it was always warm and comfortable and could make any place feel like home.
and now? well, it's not that much different now. though instead of bare amounts of space between them, nam soon is enveloped in heung soo's arms, and he's comfortable in feeling the warmth from that bastard's body. sure, it's still kind of unfamiliar and new, and it would definitely bring a lot more embarrassment if they spoke out loud of these things.
but they don't have to. every assurance nam soon has needed tonight is contained to their silence. he knows that heung soo isn't leaving, that everything that's happened tonight counts for exactly what it is, and that when he undoubtedly falters and lets his insecurities gets the better of them, heung soo will knock some sense into him. just like he always has. just like he always tried to, and the only reason there was ever a gap in that ability had been his own cowardice in running away.
so he can rest comfortable, spending another night getting used to this new way of existing together—putting the horrors of this week out of his mind. nam soon doesn't hesitate in burying his face against heung soo's chest, drawing in a small and quiet breath and letting his eyes fall closed.
it really won't be long before he's asleep this time, since now he can do that with the knowing that everything will (for now) be okay.]
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Nam Soon is relaxing. It's natural when you sleep, but it shows that he's sleeping comfortably now.
It's a relief. After everything that happened, after the toll it took on them.. at least Heung Soo can be glad that his best friend can sleep like this again, even if it takes holding him like this. (Not like he minds, though, it's nice and warm and it's doing just as much to steady and relax him, although he doesn't admit it as easily.)
He watches Nam Soon for a few moments more, like he's trying to take in the other's peaceful sleeping features, but then he closes his own eyes as well, settling in as he softly drifts to sleep. ]