go "phd in napping" nam soon (고남순) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
unpresidential) wrote2014-08-12 11:24 pm
unpresidential) wrote2014-08-12 11:24 pm
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But for now he just does all he can do. Reminding Nam Soon that he's here after all, that he won't just leave like that for no reason. He's not planning on leaving the other at all if he can do anything about it, but this just happened to be the one time it was completely out of his power, and it reduced his best friends do this. A ragdoll in his arms, soft sobs coming from Nam Soon's head near his shoulder.
Heung Soo slowly moves his hand up and down the other's back a little bit - like a parent trying to console an upset child, trying to calm him down.
He's here again. Heung Soo can understand how scary it was (hell, it was terrible for him too, having to be there and watch the other suffer but not being able to do anything at all to stop it), but everything will be alright again now. He's not going away.
Even Nam Soon's act does nothing to convince him - it wouldn't convince most people, but not Heung Soo in particular. He's seen every bit of the Tsunami act the other put up back in the day, he knows it's always just Nam Soon trying to pretend he's much tougher than he really is. He rarely calls it out unless the other is causing too much trouble since he doesn't want to trample on every last bit of selfconfidence and pride Nam Soon might have, but he's well aware it's all fake. ]
I know.
[ Not like he's at fault for this technically, but he'll still take on every single insult that the other can throw his way. It's what they do normally, anyway, but this time especially since it might help to at least let this bastard let out some of his feelings and calm down.
For a moment he just lingers like that, letting the words hang in the air, still rubbing Nam Soon's back a little, but then he slowly speaks up again - since he knows they're the words the other has to hear more than anything right now. ]
I'm not going anywhere.
[ For better or worse, he's stuck with this stubborn bastard. Even if this place might try to tear them apart like that for a while, it's not like it can keep that up forever. ]
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the first had been after his mother's funeral, when heung soo coxed the tears from him. they stood much like this, though they were much younger and somehow even more helpless. but nam soon remembers it being much the same; after holding in everything from the moment he'd been told of her death, through the entirety of the funeral—no matter how many times he bowed, no matter how many flowers were put on her casket, no matter how many hours he spent in that stifling room even as his dad relented to the bottles of soju being served, no matter how many whispers he heard about how he wasn't a filial child because of it, he didn't cry once. he finally gave in when he and heung soo were alone. he can hardly remember how it happened, but nam soon hasn't forgotten the way he sobbed into heung soo, tearing the arm band from his suit and grasping at it so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
the second time had been after running away from the hospital, away from heung soo. he was alone, in the corner of that dark room, and he cried until the well had run dry. he dehydrated himself from crying, as if that would be some kind of punishment to ease the pain and guilt he felt. it didn't work, and still, even now, there are times when those memories break him down.
but like this, here and now—even nam soon couldn't have predicted that heung soo's importance to him went this far. that even the notion of being left behind and completely alone could tear him down, and the relief of this bastard's tangibility could completely crack him. it probably should surprise him, when he's always been willing to throw away his entire world for heung soo, but to experience it in this way is something he isn't sure how to reconcile. they've already been through a lot since being taken from seoul, and they've been forced to confront feelings they may never have as a result. it's a blessing and a curse, because it opens up a type of vulnerability he wasn't even aware of. but even if it's surprising, it doesn't actually stop him from basking in the comfort. he knows. nam soon knows that heung soo won't try to stop him. he won't say to stop crying, or to grow up. even if the teasing comes later, when his composure has returned, he knows that right now, heung soo will stay just like this for as long as it takes.]
I know. [he does. the fact that through all of that, heung soo went out of his way to make sure his presence was known, and the fact that as soon as he had his body back, they were like this... that's enough for him. that's enough for nam soon to know that. besides, heung soo isn't one to say things he doesn't mean.]
...Thanks. [he manages to say, and he knows that's all he needs to. he's sure, absolutely sure, that heung soo will understand every last implication of that single word, especially as he still holds on tightly without any indication of letting go anytime soon. not unless this place tries to split them apart again, at least.]
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But as he slightly glances at Nam Soon too (it's hard from their current position, but he manages to catch a glimpse), worry turns over in Heung Soo's stomach. He jokes that he's his hyung or his babysitter or any equivalent of it that means he's taking care of Nam Soon, and it's never fully true since he knows that the other has lived by himself for long enough, that he can do plenty.. on the other hand, there's a truth in it and these kind of moments show it. Even as children, it had always been him who dragged Nam Soon to his house to make sure he didn't feel lonely, to make sure he ate and slept well. Even as punks, it had always been him who held Nam Soon back at the moments when he was the closest to making a terrible decision, to bail him out when it was needed.
Even now, it's still like that. Not that Nam Soon doesn't look out for him in his own ways too, but on the whole he's always been the one who's been a little more unstable between the two of them, who needed a little extra support since he never got it the way Heung Soo did from his family after that funeral, after the first time he had seen Nam Soon cry this badly, so badly that he almost didn't know what he could even do other than just being there.
But now, even with the worries circling through his head - he knows the other hasn't eaten or slept well, and he's got to be the one to do something about that now - he understands it a little more.
They're not children anymore, after all.
And between them, things are-- ]
Nam Soon-ah.
[ The name is mumbled a little. Audible enough between the two of them, but just that - it's more to pull his attention than to really call out his name per se, really.
Even when the other looks up, Heung Soo - almost embarrassed, almost just a little unsure of himself - waits for a second. But then he steels himself the best he can while looking at that teary face, and a moment later he's leaning just a little more towards the other to cover the last distance between their faces and press his lips against Nam Soon's.
It's not like that night it last happened at all. It's not under the influence of anything else, after all, even if it was just their own desires being enhanced back then.. this time it's genuinely out of his own free will, because there's no better way he can transfer comfort and the sense that he's really here and that he will really stay here other than this. It's much more chaste because of it, and it probably feels incredibly clumsy, but at least the feeling behind it is entirely genuine as his hold on Nam Soon tightens just a little. ]
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maybe there's a small part of him that's known a possibility like this was there. maybe there's even a small part of him that hoped the sentiment would be revisited at some point sooner rather than later. but here and now, when he's at his most vulnerable? it leaves his mind blank for a moment. it's definitely chaste, awkward, and a bit clumsy...
but it doesn't take much for that feeling to melt away. nam soon knows better than anyone else that skinship and affection aren't heung soo's forte. he was easily embarrassed and would push people away when it came to that, and it always seems to take extremes to pull even the simplest things from him. nam soon has never minded that, because the natural push-and-pull of their friendship (and nam soon's natural clingy ways) balanced it out. even after that day when they risked everything because of someone else's whims, nothing else happened. they spoke of not hating the action, but did little more than lean on each other a bit more than normal and try to find a comfortable way to exist while trying to make sense of things they'd never felt before.
so for heung soo to do this, for him to forego all of that to bridge a gap between them—nam soon knows that's extremely significant. it's small and chaste, and neither of them really knows what they're doing, but he can feels this. there's warmth and concern, there's understanding and even a silent "stop crying, because i'm here for you right now, you dumb bastard" laced within it. heung soo hardly ever needs words to communicate his feelings to nam soon; nam soon always understands the silences and subtle motions that come from him. there is a lot that's being said in these actions, and they're all things that nam soon understands as being only for him.
things are different now. there's still a lot of thoughts in his head, there are still worries for the future, and what will happen when they get back to seoul. he doesn't know if this will be fleeting. he doesn't know if these feelings will pass, or if heung soo will no longer need him in this way or as a friend once he's in university. he doesn't know what adulthood will really bring. but right now? right now, nam soon just want—no, needs—to embrace this wordless affirmation that heung soo's means of consoling are genuine. he can worry about those other things later.
that's why he allows for the state of shock to subside (he cannot and will not be a wide-eyed drama protagonist) and for the motion to be quietly embraced. they're both clumsy about these things when it's on their own terms, but nam soon's lips part just slightly enough to affirm that this is okay. his grip on heung soo's clothes grows ever tighter, but his shoulders begin to ease, and the tears cease, even if he's still sniffling to keep his nose from running.
a lot of his worries and the buildup of negative feelings that exploded in his relief begin to give way—only heung soo could bring out any of these aspects of him. it's embarrassing, and even just like this, his ears start to turn red. there aren't any regrets because there's nothing more reassuring to him than heung soo's silent declarations. nam soon feels weak and childish, but grateful all the same, which is why he's hard-pressed to let go anytime soon.]
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But after a moment it's confirmed that it's actually working. He can feel it from the way Nam Soon stills a little in his grasp (even though the other still clings to him this tightly), from the way his lips part a little, from the way the crying subsides.
It makes Heung Soo's heart feel a lot lighter. Not that the kiss in itself isn't nice - it's much different to do it now when he's fully himself, and it tastes and feels different, but it's still.. good, nice - but it's the fact that it seems to transfer his feelings to Nam Soon better than anything else could that matters the most to him.
Even when he pulls away (his mouth, but not his hands, because he doesn't want to let go of Nam Soon either out of a fear that the other might crumble on the spot because of it), his cheeks very faintly coloured as if to match Nam Soon's ears since he still isn't too great with dealing with this.
But it worked. That's what matters. ]
.. there.
[ Heung Soo: master of romance, obviously. But he doesn't really know what else to say.. why is some stuff in life still so hard to handle. People in dramas always seem to do it so smoothly - but then again, the one they're kissing usually isn't their bastard. ]
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he can see the flush of heung soo's cheeks when his eyes open, and he can feel how hot his ears are. his heart is pounding hard—part from the residual spike in adrenaline from heung soo returning, part because he had been in the midst of an anxiety fueled breakdown, and part because this bastard is... well, this bastard.
even at their most awkward, he seems to always know the right things to do. he always knows how to calm nam soon down, and how to put his worries at ease. even if heung soo was the cause of nearly every worry he's ever had over the last ten years, that guy is always so good at reversing it. but in this position, it just feels... well, embarrassing.
his gaze averts, looking down rather than up. it's not shame or regret—nam soon definitely has no regrets about this when heung soo is really the only person who matters to him of such a large scale. but they're not normally this way. nam soon had barely even considered kissing girls (not since before That Day, since nothing else mattered after that), let alone this. and even though they'd made their agreements and lived comfortably after their first questionable encounter... it's new. heung soo isn't a romantic, but neither is nam soon. they're two clueless boys trying to fumble through existence together, because it's the only way they really know how. and at that? they still really don't know. neither of them know the real boundaries or how far it'll take them.
and dramas definitely couldn't prepare them for this. they're too formulaic, with carefully crafted kisses between cute, dressed-down girl and men that were too impossibly tall and attractive to be real; they were an idealized situation where their conflicts came from stupidity and a lack of honesty, not from completely ruining the life of the person most important to you by destroying their dreams. real life... it's a lot more complicated than what's on tv, so knowing how to proceed is harder. especially when everything about what they're doing is something that may not be seen on tv for a long time to come, not when even entertaining the notion can making the ratings drop.
so he stands, awkwardly and still sniffling back the remainder of his tears. at least he's not actually crying, even if his cheeks are still stained and his eyes are red and puffy. he lets out a huff of air; it's not quite a sigh. it's something softer, but feigning the exasperation (weakly) that he normally would use.]
Aigoo... this bold bastard... [weakly, because he's tired. but there's still something warm about, something with the barest, but most grateful hints of affection. it was bold, but nam soon is the kind of person who needs that sort of abrupt shock to be reminded of the things that matter—like the fact that heung soo is here and not leaving.]
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And even aside from embarrassment, it wouldn't really feel right to do it just yet. This isn't Nam Soon crying a little like has happened a lot over the last while back home, before they got here.. this was Nam Soon crying like he's rarely seen before, to a point where it almost eerily reminds him of when they were children at Nam Soon's mother's funeral, when Nam Soon bawled his eyes out on him as well and looked just as red and puffy afterwards.
Aside from the fact that he consoled him in a wholly different way.. something he never would have been able to imagine back then. But just like they took their friendship to another level starting from there back then, maybe this is the same, just on yet another scale.
Heung Soo lets the thoughts run through his head, but then he turns his focus back towards the guy in front of him. Nam Soon still looks weak and emotional, after all, and even if the worst of it is over now and he's properly reassured him that he'll be here and that he won't leave, it's still obvious that the last while took its toll on the other.
It's why Heung Soo turns a little, letting go of the other a little.. he still keeps a hand on Nam Soon's back since he wants to make sure he doesn't set the other off into another panic just in case, but he nudges him a little, as if he's trying to guide him as long as Nam Soon can stop clinging to him that heavily for a moment. ]
Come on, sit down. [ Easier to move on and not reflect too much on what he just did, really.. as much as he actually enjoys kisses with this bastard, thinking about it is enough to make him want to smack himself half of the time before he ends up blushing. ]
I'll make some ramen.
[ Whatever, he'll mom Nam Soon a little bit if it's the best for them right now. First he'll get them some food, considering they're both starved after their respective conditions, and then he'll just either climb into Nam Soon's bed or drag the other into his own and pass out together like that. It should be comfortable enough for Nam Soon that way too, knowing what he's right there. ]
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maybe sometime this century, he'll be able to breathe quietly through his nose again, but right now, that's kind of a lost cause. but stil, he follows heung soo's guidance, much like a kid who really needs it right now. because he is that kid and he does need it. even if so much else between them has grown up, even if some of their coping mechanisms are much more adult (sharing kisses? drowning sorrows in soju?), there are still the bits and pieces of him that are desperate and childlike; frozen in time from the day of that funeral until now. that's why he reacts much the same as he did back then, listening to what heung soo tells him to do without any real argument.
those thoughts don't leave his head, just like the feeling of heung soo's lips against his own still hasn't subsided. even as he sits, his ears are still about as red as they can possibly get, and his eyes are following every last movement of heung soo's right now. still, for as embarrassed and upset as he is about everything, there's that part of him that's incredibly relieved and happy. he's relieved that heung soo isn't leaving, that whatever weird things have happened don't actually hinder the way they need each other, even when they're trying to figure out what comes next and how to deal with these new (or newly realized, maybe) feelings.
but he's happy. he's happy because heung soo is here. he's here and he's tangible. he's here, and he's making sure that nam soon is okay. he's here, and for all of his griping whenever nam soon brings up ramen, it's the first thing he offers to make when taking the reins in the kitchen. it brings just the smallest hint of a smile to his lips, one that barely even shows the upturn in the corners of his mouth. it's small and coy, definitely embarrassed... but genuine.]
Mm. There should be kimchi in the fridge drawer, too. [normally, he'd get up and help to set up... but he can hardly even move because of how weak his body is. besides that, he knows all too well heung soo will probably just scold him like a naggy mom for trying anyway.
it's cool though, because he's just going to watch... heung soo... the whole time. oops.]
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Just embarrassing. Just that. Just the way his stomach jumps up in him every single time he thinks about it.
He tries to not think of it too much, even though his fingers briefly move to touch his lips after he's grabbed the bowls and turned on the water to boil. He's got his back turned towards where he's left Nam Soon sitting like an oversized child, so he's probably banking on the hope that the other doesn't notice.
But he works diligently, in the typical Heung Soo kind of way - quietly, fairly neatly even if it's rough around the edges, very to the point.
Until he's done, and then he walks back to the table, putting down Nam Soon's bowl.. and then his own right next to it instead of on the opposite side of the table, instead opting to put the kimchi there.
Because he's totally going to squeeze himself in right at the space next to Nam Soon. Heung Soo knows the other needs the contact right now, and it's something he could use to when he dares to admit it to himself. He doesn't mention anything special about it, just moves to sit side to side with Nam Soon and that's it before grabbing some kimchi to go with the rest and starting to shove it into his mouth.
Like it's all natural. ]
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it goes two ways, because the feeling of heung soo's lips against his own isn't one that's really faded yet. there's still a slightly invigorating tingle to them, one that has him sucking lightly on his lower lip... as if that will somehow change it. it's not even that he doesn't like it, of course—no, it's really the opposite. heung soo is the one person on this earth (or... their earth and this world) who can make him feel comfortable. he's the only person that knows all of nam soon's ins and outs, what brings him comfort and what upsets him. nobody else knows what really makes him laugh or brings him any sort of excitement...
so yeah, it's embarrassing. it's as embarrassing as it was when he realized after their first kiss that he really liked it, that he really liked heung soo in a way that "best friends" just doesn't seem to quantify. he still doesn't know what to call it, that he likes these things, that he likes heung soo but aside from that acknowledgement and a slight increase of affection—nothing's changed at all. he doesn't know what it is, but he likes it. he likes it, and he's grateful for the fact that heung soo is still here and hasn't left him behind. for the fact that after everything from funerals to broken limbs, from faking hatred to reconciliation, from seoul to here, from awkward makeouts to being left without a voice to hear... that heung soo hasn't left him behind. and maybe that's why he doesn't say anything, why he just watches heung soo prepare the meal with a bit of affection in his gaze.
—which averts only slightly as heung soo brings the food over. not that it matters, because there's a smile that creeps on his lips when that bastard squeezes next to him, and there's not much in the way of hesitation when nam soon shifts his body weight to lean against the other. there doesn't need to be any words about it, and that's what makes it natural for them... an unexpected, but pleasant evolution of their co-existence.]
Smells good. [yes, he'll opt to talk about the food instead as he picks up his chopsticks. of course, what else could he say when his stomach is rumbling, craving the food that he denied himself while in a state of catatonic panic. even the worst food would probably smell good right now... but this is ramen, and heung soo's definitely made enough of it up to this point for it to taste as good as it smells.]
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They're together again, and they're sitting here with hot food in their laps. That's all they need for now, just a moment of quiet reconciliation with their circumstances like this. Calming down from everything that's happened, making things more normal again a little.. sure, there's the question of how much of it can be called "normal" when it involves kisses, but even that doesn't feel weird on an emotional level.
So.. he just wants to stay like this. Just a little bit more. Even if nothing can make up for the past few days, if he can get anything in return, at least give him that much. Nam Soon calming down means that his own heart calms down too, after all. ]
Aish.. of course it smells good. [ It's feigned annoyance, though, and much weaker than usually. His tone is soft, like a mumble between the two of them. Only meant for them. ]
I made them, after all.
[ One of the few things he can actually cook, let's be real with ourselves here. But he at least intended it to be tasty - Nam Soon deserves anything he can get at this point.
Even though his own food goes untouched for a moment.. he's trying to make sure the other eats first, okay. He's a motherhen even in the little things like this. ]
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but nam soon won't take that credit from him, not now. on a normal day, he may tease about it, especially since he's the one who is definitely more kitchen proficient of the two... but he can't do it today. not after everything that's happened, and not when he just wants to take solace in the fact that heung soo is here and can do things like make a good pot of ramen for them to share. of course, he does notice the way heung soo waits...
aigoo, this bastard. he thinks those words of exasperation as he picks up some noodles between his chopsticks and slurps them into his mouth. nam soon knows exactly why heung soo is hesitating, and maybe there's still just a faint smile on his lips despite the exasperation. it really is a lot like it was back then, after his mom's funeral. that was the moment that had really awakened that motherhen instinct in heung soo, and even though nam soon can find it annoying, he's all the same just... grateful that someone looks out for him like this consistently. his dad tries in his ways, but it's never been quite the same, and those three years without this sort of nurturing makes him unable to say no to it.
but it doesn't mean he won't reverse the nagging, nudging at his best friend's arm.]
You eat, too. [his brows knit a little, and even though there's still that faint warmth from the upward turn of his lips, it's obvious that he's concerned.] Worry about your own body after all of that, you naggy bastard.
[and it really does come from a place of affectionate concern. neither of them knows what his body was up to while heung soo wasn't in it, not totally. it's better to play it safe, because nam soon definitely can't mentally handle heung soo collapsing over something like that right now. so pick up the chopsticks and eat, and use that time to find some sense of relative normalcy and calm.
nam soon's not sure his heart will calm down anytime soon, but right now? it's not shaken up because he's in a despairing panic. right now, it's warm and fluttery, but seeking relief; he doesn't know if heung soo's is the same, but he hopes it's at least calming down a little from the earlier panic they shared.]
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[ At least he gives in easily after making that slight sound first. Mostly since he doesn't really want the other nagging him over it in return now. It makes things a little more normal again, it proves that Nam Soon is just fine even after his breakdown just now.. but even so, he doesn't want Nam Soon to have to overdo it right now either. Even though he hits the nail straight on the head when he mentions Heung Soo should worry about his body later, even though he really is worried what the hell this body has been up to while he couldn't do anything.. even so, he's still more worried about the other.
That's how things always go between the two of them, after all.
But after the short answer, he does pick up his chopsticks to slowly start putting some of the ramen into his own mouth as well, slowly chewing. He didn't feel too hungry, so that's at least a good sign that his body was being taken care of, but.. well, it still doesn't mean all that much.
He does try to put it out of his mind for now though, just like Nam Soon said. For now he just wants to fuss over the other a little and even more than that, enjoy the soft warmth that his company brings, the tingling sensation on his lips that remains even now.
They're alright. That's what is important. They're both here, they're alright.. even if weird stuff happens, in the end, they always turn out alright like this.
It's an important thought, and one that calms him more than anything as they quietly eat for a few moments before he finally speaks up again. ]
.. That day. [ He doesn't have to mention which, considering what just happened between the two of them.. it's a complete parallel, even if it's been so long - years upon years upon years. That day when Nam Soon's mother died, when Heung Soo had come back for him, when their friendship had been firmly cemented as something special, something even a little beyond the usual.
He pauses a moment, only the sound of the chopsticks clattering against the bowls audible. ]
When I transferred, I thought a lot had changed. [ It's why he was so angry, so frustrated with everything, so confused. Because the Nam Soon who looked at him with that broken look in his eyes wasn't the same Tsunami who left him behind at the hospital years prior to that. ] .. Now.. I guess that isn't really true.
[ Because they're right back where they started. Sure, with a little more, since Heung Soo would never have thought of actually kissing Nam Soon to try and calm him down back on that day when they were so much younger. But even so, it almost feels like rounding out the circle. ]
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in truth, there was never much he needed to worry about. at least, not to the extent he did. of course heung soo being separated from his body is a terrifying notion, just like losing his hearing completely for days way... but even then, they'd have found some way to communicate, right? what mattered is that despite everything that happened, they hadn't really abandoned each other.
then again, with what heung soo brings up—well, it brings back a lot of memories. some good, but mostly bad. it causes nam soon to pause with chopsticks in hand; the noodles just sitting between them, halfway from the bowl to his mouth. it takes a bit, but he has something to say to that.]
It's a lot like that day. [in more ways that he cares to remember. that day is still one of the worst in his life, and the only reason it's probably not the top worst is because heung soo saved him from himself a bit back then. but in the end, he was a mess and the only thing that calmed him down was heung soo's assurance. sure, they've grown up and the methods for making that assurance have changed in ways he could have never expected, but... still, they were there.]
I didn't change at all. [isn't that... a bad thing, in some way? sure, he'd been tsunami; he'd snapped because there was too much in life that he couldn't handle. he'd snapped and threw away so much of himself because it was easier, it was more fun, it was dangerous and exciting and the best way to not deal with every other issue.
but all it took was one step too far for nam soon to regain the perspective he'd lost in their middle school years. maybe he'd really just been a shell of himself from the moment his mother died, and heung soo had been the only thread that held the cloth together. he doesn't really know. thinking about that—well, it gives him a strange pang in his chest, one that leads him to letting the noodles slip out of chopstick's grip and back into the bowl.]
I never did anything for you, either. Not then. Not now. [he broke heung soo's leg and ran. he ran from every responsibility. he'd made a mess and didn't even bother to clean it up. he couldn't face his mistakes and shut down. and even this week, instead of chasing after heung soo's body, what did he do? he sat in the corner of the room, on the floor and cried how he did those other times. at the funeral, after breaking heung soo's leg.
he was useless. he hasn't changed, so it's almost laughable that heung soo had been so mad about those supposed changes back then. he was good at hiding it, maybe. good at it in that he'd learned how to close himself off to any feeling openly, and others just took it upon themselves to take that as friendship of some sort.
nam soon is completely useless without heung soo, and this is the first time he's really realizing it. he's always functioned before, but he chalked it up as a want more than anything else. he wanted to see heung soo again. he wanted to apologize. he wanted to reconcile. he wanted heung soo to get his payback. now... now he sees though that it isn't a want, but a need it's a strange sort of dependence to lean on someone else that way. and it's kind of scary. there's a level of self-loathing that nam soon definitely hasn't, and probably will never overcome for what happened before.
nothing has changed, though. maybe that's the scariest part. it's been ten years since the day that heung soo pulled him out of the despair of that funeral, and they're both circling the same feelings in just a slightly different way.]
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All of them had been the same all along. He just never saw until they reconciled - and especially now.
But the other point.. that's not true. Even if there were things that Nam Soon should have done that he didn't, it's still not true. Sure, Heung Soo had wished that Nam Soon was there more than anything when he was stuck in that hospital and could do nothing but stare at the ceiling as his heart sunk further and further away in his chest. He should have been there then, and he should have been there when it was Heung Soo who had to stand at his mother's funeral, when there hadn't been anyone to come drag him back when he couldn't bear it anymore by the time everyone left. Sure, his sister had been there, but he knew that Noona had enough on her mind. It was her mother as well, after all, and since she was older, she had a lot more to do with the arranging part than Heung Soo himself. But there hadn't been a friend running back for him at the last moment to tell him that it was okay, that he was right there for him, that he wouldn't leave. Even now, that day feels like a void.
But to say that means Nam Soon did nothing for him.. that's not true. If Nam Soon didn't do anything for him, then why would he ever have missed his best friend so violently every single day, to a point where he couldn't help but keep beating up people himself in an attempt to feel even a little bit better?
It's since - since he needs Nam Soon too. Maybe not as much as Nam Soon needs him, maybe since there's less of a complex about it, but he does need his best friend. Without him everything feels like shit, and he doesn't even want to imagine being stuck here without him. ]
Who ever said that, you bastard?
[ He doesn't look at the other, instead just alternating between staring ahead of him and at his bowl, even as the chopsticks rest in his hand for a moment. ]
It's just enough that you're you. [ Because it's what makes Heung Soo the happiest. Just being with Nam Soon, messing around with him, taking care of him, or just sitting there quietly.. it's warm, it's happier than anything he was able to feel in those three years they were apart. Even now, when their friendship (if a word like that can still fit all of it in, even) has taken this turn with the kissing and all.. it still feels the same. It still is the thing that could make him the happiest. ] Don't think you need to do something big for me.
[ Because he doesn't need it. Other than the moments after the incident when he just really wished Nam Soon was there, there for him, right there with him.. other than that, there's never really anything he wanted from his best friend.
Other than to just be with him.
It's probably why his words are a little more quiet near the end. It's embarrassing, but he can't not say them right now either when Nam Soon is voicing thoughts like that. ]
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just hearing it so bluntly is enough to make the heat rise into his ears, and there's a silence that weighs heavily in the air as nam soon processes those words. it's such a strange thing, the changes that have occurred in these last few months.
somehow, the tables had turned a bit. nam soon had taken the initiative so many times to do things—to find heung soo, so reconcile, to make sacrifices for his friend's sake. but somehow, pulled out the safety of seoul, it's heung soo that seems to have the upper hand. it does date back to when they were kids, where even if they were strong and assertive in their own right, heung soo always had a way with him that others didn't. even when he'd turned into an obstinate punk, heung soo was the one who could say all the right words to put him at ease... even if nam soon didn't necessarily like the outcome himself. but it's still strange to him, because when it's words like this, when it's actions like kisses... he doesn't know how to deal with it.
not that he doesn't like it. there is still a very strange and comforting stability that comes with it, but nam soon often just feels dumbfounded with how to respond. the feelings are so new, yet still so familiar and comfortable that it throws him for a loop. but more so than that, it's hearing those softer words of consolation coming from heung soo that completely put him off his game. they make his heart race, and it's just embarrassing.]
...You sound like you memorized a drama script. [he teases lightly as a means of trying to deflect those feelings. not that he doesn't accept heung soo's words, but he doesn't want to let his sheepishness about those things show any more than he knows they already do. maybe it's because nam soon just doesn't know how to deal with his own feelings, period.
when his mother died, he couldn't understand his feelings. he was sad but didn't cry. then he was so sad that he couldn't stop crying. then he shoved those feelings into a pit at the bottom of his stomach and acted like a zombie. the same thing happened after he broke heung soo's leg. the only feelings of positivity he's been able to process in those years came from goofing off, causing trouble, and hanging out with his best friend. but he doesn't really know how to cope with deeper feelings; how to love and be loved, having any sort of sense of self-worth. he's trying now. he's trying really hard as part of their recovery and reconciliation, but nam soon is still filled to the brim with insecurities. heung soo may be constant, steadfast in trying to ease them, but there's still so much left to try and understand, mostly about himself.
so that's why he deflects, and why he ruins a soft moment with words that anything but sentimental.
and he knows that.
he realizes that saying words like that, no matter how much heung soo may innately understand him, is probably too much, especially when he's trying to help. nam soon realizes he's a dumb bastard who is terrible at these things, and equally terrible at conveying the fact that he feels the same way. he may need heung soo's gestures a little more because he's a fool who constantly proves his own incapability on every level.
so he doesn't make eye contact with heung soo still, drawing in a quiet breath.]
It's embarrassing, you bastard. [his words a little softer now, or maybe just a little more assuring. heung soo's probably embarrassed too, and he knows that. but addressing that sentiment so directly is still probably something they both need more than they're willing to admit. still, it doesn't make him want to bury his head in the ground like an ostrich any less right now.
this is hard. why are emotions so hard? it was so much easier when they were two punks who ate snacks and read naruto all day long. and maybe just as easy when he was the one doing or saying the things that embarrassed heung soo instead.]
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Sure, he's a little better. He's never been as broken as Nam Soon, although his ability to socially blend in with other people has also greatly decreased after the incident. He's rough now, and blunt, and looks scary.. but at least he can understand things a little better. Maybe not exactly everything inbetween them, those feelings are entirely new, but.. he's at least a little better at keeping track of himself than his best friend. Even when he, too, thinks this is embarrassing as hell. It's embarrassing as hell, but what else do you expect him to say? Is he just supposed to sit there and watch the person most important to him sit there and beat himself up and not do anything about it? There's no way a motherhen, a true fusser like Heung Soo could do that.
He knows fully well that Nam Soon isn't as good at it though. So he understands where that reply comes from, and why it's so unfitting for what he said. In some ways it's probably easier to bear than if Nam Soon would have said something on the same level, but there's no doubt the deflection stings a little, even if he knows Nam Soon isn't saying that he doesn't feel the same.
It's probably why he shoves a little bit of the food into his mouth again, like the chewing gives him an excuse to think for a moment or two more before he finally properly answers after swallowing. ]
Maybe I wouldn't have to be that way if you didn't sound like a total female lead.
[ And in the end, of course the one true response is to use Nam Soon's own words against him.. he's still a little careful with his teasing since the other's breakdown was so heavy, so he feels the safest insult is probably the same thing that Nam Soon is insulting him with to begin with.
Even in these tiny things, he's still pretty toughtful, despite appearances.. but it's just the way Heung Soo is. Especially when it comes to the single most important bastard in his life, without a doubt. ]
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Yah. [he sucks in a breath through his teeth—teasing or not, that's still rude as hell! nam soon doesn't want to be the candy female lead (even though that's totally what he is since ha kyung got the shaft on that one).
not that he doesn't get it. nam soon knows that heung soo is playing along for his sake, that he teases and pushes those limits to make him feel better. and it works. sure, it's annoying that he winds up being the one getting teased, but all the same, it does distract him from the swath of negative feelings that swirl around him, and it eases the unsettled feelings of insecurity that stem from all of his issues. though even without that, just hearing heung soo talk, just hearing the familiarity of his voice is enough to bring comfort after dealing with that deaf-silence for days on end.]
Don't try to put me in that position just so you can be the male lead. You don't have one of those flower boy faces. [leave the kkotminam-ing to nam soon. even though he really wouldn't call himself a flower boy at all, but the meta says otherwise. either way? he's nudging his shoulder against heung soo—neither one of them would be very good for roles like that anyway, right? they're not suited for the narrow stereotypes that they show on tv anyway.
which of course is why reciting lines that sound like they came right out of script is almost comical and definitely unfitting. it's a lot better like this, when they're teasing each other and being subtle assholes with underlying affection to their words. it's natural, it's more like them to be that way, for all that they've done by being completely straightforward and open about things.
it's a little nicer this way, it brings a different sort of comfort that is easier to accept, somehow.]
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... Even if the thought of that feels really annoying, for some reason.
So he doesn't say that. Instead, after thoughtfully chewing for a moment and swallowing, he replies: ]
Then it's good that this is reality.
[ The reality where embarrassing things happen, yes.. but also the reality where he can be this comfortable with Nam Soon, where they can help each other after difficult times. Where they can actually go ahead and do stuff like kiss and even though the idea of it is weird as hell, in practice it feels way too nice to even consider giving up that easily.
It's the reality where they are together.. and he wouldn't switch it for any sappy overly embarrassing kdrama life. ]
.. now eat. You're going to let it get cold.
[ Totally not trying to deflect things a little before Nam Soon mentions that's very kdrama-worthy too, what he said before.. he even bumps his own shoulder against the other's in return now, although it's more meant as an encouragement. He feels a little tired, too - and surely Nam Soon must feel the same after what he's been through, after not sleeping at all. Maybe they can just pass out somewhere together after finishing the food. ]
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[he agrees warmly, because nam soon has no reason to argue it. for any joking that comes about the things they say on tv, they've already had enough drama of their own to last a lifetime. their reality is so different, and nam soon really doesn't want it any other way.
he just wants to be comfortable, with heung soo at his side. even without the strange and new evolution of their relationship, even without kisses woven between sporadic events, as long as this bastard is around, by his side and not resenting their past—well, that's all he really ever wants or needs. that's all nam soon ever really wanted from the day heung soo had become the only form of solid support in his life. nam soon had grown dependent on it, and those three years without it were enough torture that all he could even require now is the bare minimum to be kept from a despairing state.
nam soon is getting more than that. he's getting confirmation that this way of living is what they're going to keep doing—heung soo's tendency to mother hen and all. even if it's something he likes to tease about, nam soon is glad for it, because it's stable. and after everything else that happened, he really needs and wants this stability.
so when heung soo bumps his shoulder against nam soon, a smile (a slightly embarrassed one) creeps onto his lips as his head drops a little. it almost feels like a strange and natural instinct to fall back towards heung soo a little more after that, resting against his arm as he goes back to slurping up the noodles. they've swollen and lost some of their integrity from sitting in the broth, but it doesn't matter much to him like it might on a normal day. this... it's good, it's comfortable, and it's what he needs. nam soon probably will want to lay down and rest after they've finished up, since he hasn't slept either...
he'll probably be reluctant to do so without heung soo though, so it's good if they have the same idea in mind. right now, he just wants to stay as close to this bastard as is humanly possible.]
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They'll work it out again together, somehow.. even if it's by crawling into the same bed after they're done eating and being soothed by each other's warmth and company.
They've always been better at doing these sort of things without words, after all.
It's why Heung Soo doesn't say anything. He knows he doesn't have to. Even though he finished his food more quickly since he was eating a little bit more before, he just leaves the bowl and the chopsticks in his lap for the moment, not moving a single inch from where he's sitting.
Nam Soon is leaning against him, after all, and needs the contact...
.. and honestly, Heung Soo needs it as well. ]
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[he muses idly as he slurps up the last of them. it's kind of an unsatisfying end to that bowl of ramen—they've definitely done better in that regard. it's not like it's really important to him at all though; it's just an idle thing to say, to acknowledge before he moves his chopsticks for more kimchi, all the while never shifting from where he comfortably leans.
it's so oddly comfortable like this. just to say unimportant things and deflect putting the feelings into words while still taking solace in the fact that heung soo is someone that he can lean on this way. in some ways, it's still weird to think about despite how comfortable it is because it feels so... unlike himself. maybe nam soon became accustomed to his loneliness and self-deprecation, even though it was because he'd always relied on heung soo to pull him away from those things. now it's just a little more so, and a little differently, and definitely only in the privacy of their own living space.
nam soon doesn't want to move though. because weird as it may be in some ways, it's comfortable. it's reassuring. it's a solid reminder of heung soo's tangibility; they both need that a lot. but it's also just that it's cozy. even if in his younger years, before he lost the interest in maintaining relationships with anyone, he thought that he would be the one standing as the support, being leaned on, being "the man," or whatever it would be considered... he's fine like this. he's not suited for supporting anyone but his bastard of a best friend, and he's much more suited for sitting this way, accepting the support rather than giving it.
but really, isn't this giving it in some way too? nam soon's not sure... and thinking too much about it makes him kind of sleepy, because he's just totally clueless to how these things work. maybe that's what happens when you completely shut yourself off for three years and live as barely a person during those formative teenage years... who knows. nam soon sure as hell doesn't, but he's not even sure it matters anymore. not when they're like this.]
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Instead he just lets out a half-amused sound at it, shaking his head a little. For a moment Heung Soo just sit there, since.. well, he doesn't really want to move all that much. He's just fine sitting here, just soaking up this feeling, since it's pretty rare. Especially in a place like this, where it seems like every time they manage to settle just a little bit, everything gets thrown upside down all over again.
But he knows that sitting here means probably falling asleep here too. And while they're no strangers to just sleeping on the ground, he thinks their bodies need something a little better than that after this kind of situation.
So he slowly stands up (after making sure it means Nam Soon won't just fall over without the support), grabbing both of their bowls. ]
.. go to bed. [ He even motions a little with the bowls, as if to get him going. Nam Soon's body is still weak, but hopefully he can at least drag himself over there.. ] I'll come in a moment.
[ Since he has to dump these in the sink first, but that's the only thing he plans on doing for now. Honest. He doesn't want to leave Nam Soon alone just as much as the other doesn't want to be left alone. To a point where he's even openly sounding a little like a parent about it, yes. Look how he's embarrassing himself for your sake.. ]
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[nam soon agrees without much in the way of protest. even though it's so comfortable and he really doesn't want to move at all—well, it's okay. mostly, it's okay because he understands what heung soo is implying by that, and he also understands that heung soo isn't actually leaving.
being separated within the confines of their apartment for a few minutes is not anything to be concerned over. so even if nam soon wants to cling to his best friend, lean against him and just bask in the comfort of things being much more the way they should than anything else has been in the last few days.
so he shifts when heung soo does, even though he doesn't stand up immediately. he's quicker to respond verbally than to move, but that's mostly because he's just tired. having not slept in that time when he's normally the prince of hibernation is probably pretty telling. he couldn't turn the panic in brain off long enough to even do that much, so he stayed awake, and now... well, now that the adrenaline has worn and things are resolved, nam soon doesn't have much energy in him at all.
it's a bit of a struggle for him to push himself up off the floor, and his slippers make a loud shuffling noise against the floor as he drags his feet over them. he feels pretty tired and heavy at this point, now that he's calmed down and has food in him. it's good though, it's fine, nam soon thinks. because in a few minutes, heung soo will come into the room, and everything can be slept off. and once they're rested, they can start fresh and really try to put these last few horrendous days behind them.
so when he gets to the room, he flops on the bed and tiredly kicks his slippers away—he can't even be bothered to remove them properly and place them neatly next to the bed. maybe it's a habit he'll never get used to, after so long of just walking around in socks... maybe that's what bastards get for trying to live a little better than the poor kids they always were back home. either way, he's barely maintaining a state of consciousness while he waits for heung soo.
even though he knows that heung soo's not leaving, he still doesn't want to sleep until he knows that bastard is next to him; he needs at least that much assurance to rest easy.]
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So once he's left things behind in a way that he deems satisfactory enough for now, he's already heading over to the bedroom as well, slipping out of his shoes instead and leaving those in the living room (he didn't exactly have a mind to take them off when he ran in frantically to look for Nam Soon, and he doesn't feel like properly putting them away and making the other wait more now).
He doesn't say a word when he enters the room though. Instead he just moves over to the bed, slipping in besides Nam Soon like it's natural. Let's face it, it might as well be by now - despite not having shared beds before they got into this place, he's gotten fairly used to it by now.
.. it's nice, anyway. Even if he's not the one who needs it the most by now and he knows it.
It's exactly because Heung Soo knows this much that he doesn't just lie down and go to sleep. Nam Soon's already close enough, since it's a little cramped like this, but.. well, after all the shit that's happened, a little more can't hurt. It's a little more like what he did all those years ago, when Nam Soon was just as much of a small child that needed to be comforted than he is now.
It's embarrassing as hell, sure, but part of his brain already feels a little tired and doesn't care. And it's not like anyone is going to see anyway.
Whatever.
Heung Soo wraps his arms around his bastard, pulling him closer so Nam Soon can bury his head against him.
He doesn't say anything else - what is there that has to be said? His actions can do it all for him. That he's here, that he cares for Nam Soon, and that there's no way in hell he's going to leave again if he has a say in it at all.
So just sleep, you bastard - he'll be here. ]
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